I'd be lying if I didn't say my head and heart are in a bad place right now. Quite frankly I am sick of bearing burdens. In my mind, it's about time for some good news and I'm ready for God to show up in a big way and deliver us from all these nightmares. I am tired of forcing myself to look at things in a positive light. I feel like we're walking around with a big red x on our back. Marked for disaster at every turn.
But even in this fog of anger and doubt, God is still with me-not in the way I want Him to be, mind you-but with me nonetheless. Yesterday right after we got the news that we would not be moving as soon as we thought I got an email from my friend Autumn. She wanted me to know how closely my blog posts and her bible study and sermon that week had related and pointed me to the book of Habakkuk. This morning feeling completely hopeless I turned to that book and read it all the way through. I'm still listening and waiting (much like Habakkuk did) to hear what all God is trying to tell me in these verses, but I am thankful to know that I am not the only one who has ever shouted out, "God, how long do I have to cry out for help before you listen...before you come to the rescue?" Habakkuk 1:1-2 (The Message). Even a prophet had these moments of doubt about how the events in their life and world could really be working together for good to those who love the Lord.
I hope soon I too will get to the place of praying the prayer of Habakkuk:
"I hear and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; decay crept into my bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us. Though the fig trees do not bid and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights..." Habakkuk 3:16-19