While I have several praises for answered prayer, I would be being untruthful if I didn't tell you that it has been a really rough few weeks. For some reason I am really struggling with the, "Why Olivia?" question. Knowing this is a futile battle that rages in my head that will never have any answers only intensifies my need for those answers. I read these comforting books about heavenly experiences, but then find myself wondering why God chose to save those people and not my baby. It makes me so angry I feel like I am going crazy. A book about why bad things happen to good people was suggested by my counselor and instead of reassuring me, it upset me. It was written by a rabbi and suggested that God couldn't know every little thing that was going on on earth and that people like me who suffer tragedy, try to defend God by saying He must have a bigger plan and that our pain has a purpose when really these tragedies are just random. (really?) I was so filled with anxiety at the suggestion that God isn't in control and shut the book right there and prayed that God would have me take from the book only what He wants. I've got my bible scholar mother-in-law CC working on refuting some of the things he wrote that upset me and I know that will make me feel better. Plus, when I really pause to think about what he wrote after my anxiety and uneasiness wears off, I realize that what I really feel is sadness. Sadness that the author doesn't have the same hope that I do to live with his loved one in heaven for eternity one day.
Please pray for our hearts. It is hard trying to get back to life. By going out more we open ourselves up to the inevitable well intentioned people who always end up saying things that hurt my feelings because they don't know what else to say. They are only trying to be compassionate and I know that there are no words, but I get tired of having to give myself a pep talk just to make it through the day. Sometimes as I'm grocery shopping, working or thinking about making plans with friends I realize that I don't have the energy or desire to rejoin the rest of the world. I don't want life to be going on without Olivia.
Almost daily I have to stop myself from buying Livy a cute spring bubble or bonnet I know she would be so adorable in this Spring. I see all of the trees and flowers blooming and I think how much all this new life makes me wish that Olivia could come back to life, too. Sometimes I still don't really think this is my life. I still don't think she could possibly be gone and I desperately try to rework things in my mind so she is still here, but always to no avail. I share this honest despair with you to ask you to please bang on the gates of heaven on our behalf with your prayers for our peace and understanding. Pray that we will see God moving in our lives some way every day. Pray that we don't loose hope.
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13Sorry there are no pictures in this blog entry. If I was going to vent the least I could have done was to entertain you with those, right? Check back though because later this week I hope to post some fun pictures of our time at Young Life camp last weekend. It was such an amazing experience.
Love and thanks to you all.