Tuesday, March 8

:: Just when I think God isn't listening... ::

Do you ever have those weeks where you just don't feel like God is listening? Where you want to shout and scream at the heavens? Well, I've been having a few weeks like that. I even went so far as to punch my mattress repeatedly while screaming my lungs out. If it wasn't so sad it would have been funny. I was so frustrated with the way my life is going-in addition to my obvious problem of longing for Olivia, I'm worried about Parrish's surgery. In trying to do everything I know in advance to be sure he will come out as untraumatized as possible I called Children's Hospital 10 times in 5 days trying to schedule a tour of the hospital. I was getting the major run-around. You know the, "oh, I'm not sure when she'll be working or back in the office but she's the only one who can schedule tours, etc, etc." I left my name and number several times, I tried different times of day to reach her, but to no avail. I had been praying and praying that this would work out and put my mind at ease. So I call back one last time and finally tell the receptionist that there has to be SOMEONE (anyone!) there who can schedule a tour. So she puts the head nurse on and I proceed to unload on this poor woman-not yelling-but telling her our whole story of loss and how I need to talk to whoever is going to give the tour to be sure they don't refer to the anesthesia as being "put to sleep" since Parrish now associates that with death. And I could almost hear God chuckling as the nurse stops me mid-sentence and says, "I think my sister is your next door neighbor. We've been praying for you since we heard and even if I have to give you the tour myself, we will make it happen." Tell me that's not an answer to prayer. They're even going to try to go along with my idea of casting Parrish's Curious George doll so when he wakes up he'll have a buddy who knows just how he feels! We are reading the book, "Curious George Goes to the Hospital" in preparation for his big day and so far I am thankful that he doesn't seem too terrified. There has only been one, "I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't like hospitals" comment. He is being very brave. Please pray that our tour goes well (it's scheduled for next Monday, March 14th) and that Parrish forms a friendly bond with Roxanna, the Child Life rep who is going to be both giving us the tour and will be with Parrish on the day of surgery when they take him to the operating room. I know that seeing a familiar face can only help and I am thankful for this.

While I have several praises for answered prayer, I would be being untruthful if I didn't tell you that it has been a really rough few weeks. For some reason I am really struggling with the, "Why Olivia?" question. Knowing this is a futile battle that rages in my head that will never have any answers only intensifies my need for those answers. I read these comforting books about heavenly experiences, but then find myself wondering why God chose to save those people and not my baby. It makes me so angry I feel like I am going crazy. A book about why bad things happen to good people was suggested by my counselor and instead of reassuring me, it upset me. It was written by a rabbi and suggested that God couldn't know every little thing that was going on on earth and that people like me who suffer tragedy, try to defend God by saying He must have a bigger plan and that our pain has a purpose when really these tragedies are just random. (really?) I was so filled with anxiety at the suggestion that God isn't in control and shut the book right there and prayed that God would have me take from the book only what He wants. I've got my bible scholar mother-in-law CC working on refuting some of the things he wrote that upset me and I know that will make me feel better. Plus, when I really pause to think about what he wrote after my anxiety and uneasiness wears off, I realize that what I really feel is sadness. Sadness that the author doesn't have the same hope that I do to live with his loved one in heaven for eternity one day.

Please pray for our hearts. It is hard trying to get back to life. By going out more we open ourselves up to the inevitable well intentioned people who always end up saying things that hurt my feelings because they don't know what else to say. They are only trying to be compassionate and I know that there are no words, but I get tired of having to give myself a pep talk just to make it through the day. Sometimes as I'm grocery shopping, working or thinking about making plans with friends I realize that I don't have the energy or desire to rejoin the rest of the world. I don't want life to be going on without Olivia.

Almost daily I have to stop myself from buying Livy a cute spring bubble or bonnet I know she would be so adorable in this Spring. I see all of the trees and flowers blooming and I think how much all this new life makes me wish that Olivia could come back to life, too. Sometimes I still don't really think this is my life. I still don't think she could possibly be gone and I desperately try to rework things in my mind so she is still here, but always to no avail. I share this honest despair with you to ask you to please bang on the gates of heaven on our behalf with your prayers for our peace and understanding. Pray that we will see God moving in our lives some way every day. Pray that we don't loose hope.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13
Sorry there are no pictures in this blog entry. If I was going to vent the least I could have done was to entertain you with those, right? Check back though because later this week I hope to post some fun pictures of our time at Young Life camp last weekend. It was such an amazing experience.

Love and thanks to you all.


  1. Try reading "the shack"

    It brought me a lot of comfort after my miscarriage

  2. Hi Kristin-I am a friend of Nancy Trotter Brown's from Auburn. I heard about your loss through her and have been thinking of you and your family so much and checking in on your blog to see how you were doing. I just want to let you know that my husband and I also lost a child, almost 4 years ago. Without getting into too many details, we had twin boys at 26 weeks. Our one son, Cooper passed after 40 days. It was and still is the hardest time of our lives. But, we have his twin brother, Carson, here with us and feel like God allowed him to stay here for a reason and took our other sweet boy to be with Him. It hasn't been easy and I still have moments like the one you mentioned in this post.

    I'm not sure if it has helped at all to hear any of this, but I have been wanting to reach out for some time now. Just know that there are people out there who share your pain and totally know how you may be feeling, both the good and bad.

    I hope you are doing well and having a "good" day. Hang in there!
    Lauren Hess