Sometimes I just miss being “normal”. You know, someone who doesn’t have such a depth to them. I want to be someone who hasn’t been through a lot. I want to be care-free and full of ignorant bliss! Just for a day, I want to feel like “me” again.
Where is this coming from? Oh, I don’t know. I think it just builds up over time and then just hits me like a ton of bricks at one random, all-by-myself moment, like on our drive home from the beach yesterday. Parrish was asleep in the back of the car and it just hit me. I am not myself. I never will be. The “old” me has passed away.
I hate that I never know how comments or well-meaning thoughts from others are going to affect me. One day a comment can be well-taken, appreciated, and understood, and the next day a similar comment can be like a punch in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me, taking me by surprise and reminding me of the gaping hole in my chest.
I hate that I never feel at ease leaving Parrish with anyone that I'm not super close to. If I am not going to be there, I panic. I feel out of control. I feel a “bad feeling” that something is going to happen to him while I am away. I miss the innocent trust I used to have that the unthinkable could never happen to me, to mine, to us.
Because that trust is gone, it is hard to trust anything or anyone at all in this rotten world. When I get to that point, which is more often than I’d like to admit, I turn to the only place that I can find any comfort-to the words of our Lord and savior. He says,
“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” (KJV) Psalm 118:8”
So, “I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2
This is the daily truth for me...He is my fortress and protection from all of the out-of-control things in life. I can’t control how I am going to feel or what people are going to say at any given moment. I can’t control the thoughts and images that run through my mind. But I know that if I lay them at his feet and seek his face, I will have peace. Peace that can’t be described with mere words.
Here are some pictures from our beach get-away this week with our buds Britney, Kaden & Gabriella. I am so thankful for the peace and beauty of God's creation at the beach and for easy friends to spend some down time with. Parrish and Kaden are inseperable friends. I love listening to their little “big” conversations. Some things I overheard while we were there:
Parrish to Gabby-”Do you want a popsicle?”
Gabby to Parrish-”Yes”
Parrish to Gabby-”No, say-Yes, sir!”
Parrish to Kaden-”Do you want to borrow my legos for a long time?”
Kaden to Parrish-”Yes”
Parrish to Kaden-”Ok, you can borrow them for a long time, but not all the way until we go to heaven.”
The trip went by way too fast, but we are looking forward to doing it again this fall. Thanks for the laughs and fun, guys! Between beach trips, bike riding, pool time, and fountain time we were worn out, as evidenced by Sweet P below. This was him before we even hit the bay bridge on our drive home...
My sentiments exactly. Check back tomorrow because while we were off galavanting at the beach my sweet hubby was hard at work hanging our mason jar chandelier!
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